Mayor Pawlowski reaches out to Vatican for assistance fighting Crime in Allentown

In a statement released this Morning, Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski finally conceded what residents have known all along.

"It Ain't fuckin' safe out there."

 Mayor Pawlowski is worried about the perception that Allentown is too dangerous for outsiders to invest in, so he isn't waiting for money from President Obama.

Mayor Pawlowski has made a deal with Pope Benedict, and in exchange for several city properties that haven't been sold, The Pope's vaunted Super Secret Service, the "Black Nunjas" will be deployed on inner city streets from dusk until dawn.

  These Nuns are famed for their fearlessness, having survived a training boot camp overseen by the most elderly of nuns who taught in the middle of America's most poverty stricken communities.
 "They are perfect for the problem" remarked community activist and Mayoral critic Mike Molovinsky.
 "They are renowned for their marksmanship with the Glock 19 and can stop a speeding car in it's tracks."

  The deal was originally set to begin on January first, but the death of a pedestrian yesterday in front of a Catholic church alarmed Vatican officials, and they offered to come in three weeks early.

 The Patrols are set to start Thursday December 10, and will continue as long as needed. Fraternal Order of Police Union officials were silent on the matter, not wishing to unleash a backlash like the one thrown at SEIU officials who criticized a boy scout for clearing trails. Political observers quietly claim that it would be in the police department's best interest not to make a comparison between clearing a few overgrown trails and the challenge of clearing the city's bullet ridden streets.

  "We understand they will supplement our patrols, and we fully respect their abilities." This from a police officer who did not wish to be identified. "Christ, Nuns with guns? I ain't bad mouthin' them," said another.
  "We will take all the help we can get."

   No word yet on whether the nuns will provide day patrols in the school zones, but parents are hopeful that might happen as well.

  One late addition to the agreement. Mayor Pawlowski has to wear a clown suit and allow citizens to throw pies at him for one hour at noon everyday during the week. I want to be first in line!